[FANFIC: MASK] JxINORAN (Part 1)

Title: Mask
Author: Ai Mori
Fandom/band: Jrock/LUNA SEA
Genre: Romance
Rating: M
Pairing: J x INORAN
Disclaimer: I don't own any people here, and I'm not writing this to harm any people on this fic. They are real people and this is pure fiction.

Author Notes: Contains yaoi (male x male) scene. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE AGAINST YAOI. Review will be gladly accepted.

About the story: The continuation of my previous INORAN's POV fic, if you haven't read it, you can read it here ----> the previous story 

so very sorry again for the late update, been busy with some things, and i'm really sorry if there's any mistake. I really hope you would like this story, and please enjoy.

BGM: Mask by Stellar (the italic words are part from the lyric of the song)

Summary: Even though it's hard to accept that someone that he loves marrying someone else, but Inoran must accept that fact, though deep down inside he's still hurt by that fact. He hide everything that he felt behind his 'mask', but could he still be wearing that 'mask' in front of J?

THE STORY

I'm being fake in front of you

I'm a fake who pretends to be strong, you know?

As expected, our reunion is a blast. As expected from a legendary band like us.

I stand on my position again, beside a certain bassists who is also our band leader. It's hard already to face him. But I had to put a mask and pretend that it was okay. The mask I called 'INORAN the rhythm guitarist of LUNA SEA'.

When I put that mask, there's no more Kiyonobu Inoue. No more love between us. There's only two musician, together with our guitarist, drummer and vocalist, creating music, playing music for our fans.

In our rehearsal, on the stage, backstage and our after-party, I start to make a distance with him. I only reply him if he ask me, otherwise, I'd rather not talking about anything to him.

I remember, there's a moment when we were smiling on the stage. But it's just a fake.

I know, it's all just a fake. I'm just being fake in front of him. I'm just pretend to be strong and not affected by his new status as a married man.

But deep inside, it still hurts me like being stabbed by a knife. I can't even forget it. I don't know if I can love someone like the way I love him. Maybe I can't do that.

When his wife came in our after party, I put a smile mask on my face, acting like a good friend of him. Pretending that finally I can let Jun go.

It's not real. Nothing is real.

I stares at the drops of rain on my window. My cheeks wet again.

I'm weak in front of you,

a weak person whose heart has been stolen, you know?

Somehow I wish we never have to do this reunion. Sometimes I just feel so tired to act like I don't even care about Jun's new status.

Today, I sit in our meeting place, watching some footage of our live, and I just realized how I could easily changed my personality when I'm on the stage.

I should've win some awards for acting like that, ha ha ha.

But that laugh disappear as I saw Jun secretly stared at me several times when I'm not aware of him. He never stared back at me if I look at him and we only talk for a while before, but on stage, he always watched me.

Wait! No! It's just coincidence! It must be just a coincidence! It's normal if he stared at me because I'm always right beside him. It's just because of my standing position. There's no need to feel different about that. And yeah, during SHINE, we don't share the mic together again. It's obvious. We are no longer a couple like the way we were before.

"It's quite good, right?" Suddenly he talks and taking a seat beside me. He's only wearing his sleeveless top, so everyone can see his well-built body. I can't take my eyes from his muscular arms, and my mind brings back memories from those sweet times when he used to take me to the bed, hugs me with those arms, the moment when we have sex....

Okay, stop! I have to concentrate with this video.

"Yeah, I'm really glad we could do this one more time," I said, trying to focus on the video and ignoring the temptation to stare at Jun's body.

"Ino.......," I can feel that he's staring at me from head to toe. "About what happened on my wedding...."

"Oh.... That time I had to finished several works so it's just because lack of sleep." Another lie. That lack of sleep was caused by you, actually. Because I cried over and over every time I came back to my house, remembering all those times we spent together.

"Well...... I'm really sorry. And I didn't mean to hurt your foot," he said.

"It's okay," I replies, still staring at our live video in front of me.

Another awkward silence. We used to talk about everything before. But it's not the same anymore.

The screen shows the part when we performed 'Breathe'. The song that I dedicated for him. Every time I remembered about that, I want to cry. Damn, I'm too sensitive with this.

I stand up, making excuses to him that I want to get a drink. The memories when both of us composed that song, played the bass and guitar to get the perfect rhythm for that lovely song is haunting me now.

On the stage, I can easily hide my feeling in the name of professionalism, but here, especially when he's beside me, it's really a hard job.

He suddenly stands up, approaching me from behind. "Ino...."

"Do you want something too? A coffee?" I asks. But then I can feel his right hand holding me from behind and his voice next to my ear.

"I'm really sorry," he said, almost whispering.

God, I wish it doesn't have to be this hard for me to let him go. I wish I could erase him from my mind.

"I told you that it was okay," I touches his hand with my own hand, intending to release myself, but instead I just hold his hand.

My body shivers a little as I could feel his breath next to me, the soft touch from his face on my shoulder.

But the situation now is not the same as before. I release myself as I heard footsteps coming to this room. He didn't say anything, neither do I.

All I could hear now is just Ryuichi's singing voice that reminds me about my feeling, the feeling that already existed ever since I made this song until now.

'Zutto~

zutto~

aishiteru, kimi ni'

I walk fast, getting myself out from the room, and sigh.

Loving you was my first sin

Hoping you'll look at me was my second sin

We have a plan to comeback, now that we feel it's finally the right time to revive LUNA SEA. Yeah, everything will be back as normal again. Spending our time in the studio to create a new song. Sharing our lyrics and composing the rhythm again.

As usual, I'm happy with my position in the rehearsal place. This way I still can concentrate when Sugi is having an argument with Shinya, Ryu or Jun. Like what happens now. Sugi is talking with Shinya about our new song.

I just sit with my guitar, trying to pick a new rhythm. I'm still busy with my little world when I heard someone call my name. It's Jun. But his eyes not looking straight at me. Seems like I have to help them with my ideas.

When the rehearsal is over, I just realized that the weather is getting colder and I don't bring a scarf or a thick coat. Of course, I can drive home safely, but the distance from the studio to the parking lot is quite far.

As I steps to the main entrance door, I see someone still standing there. Even though that person is standing with his back against me, I know who he is. In fact, I remember his tall figure and everything about him, maybe more than he even know.

I continue my steps, putting my best fake expression to face him.

"Why are you still here?" I asks.

"Oh, I just finished calling my wife," he answers.

I already become an expert of maintaining my flat expression or faking my smile every time he talked about his wife.

After a few awkward conversation between us, I walk to the parking lot, leaving him behind. My hands starts to feel cold.

He only standing there, staring at me. Usually, he will gives me something to warm me up in this kind of weather. But no. It's already over. From now on, I already put in my mind that he will only do that to his wife.

I have to fight against this cold alone. Yeah, cold. Like the way I act against him now. Cold like my feeling now, after being hurt so many times by him. But why am I still expecting him to look at me or just say that he still care for me?

Sigh. I really am a stupid person. Probably the most stupid person in the world. I should've known better that his new status means it's the end for us. There's no use to think about this relationship anymore. It's over.

Not being good enough for you is a sin I committed against you

'The reason for a break up is mostly because your partner might feel that you're not being good enough for him/her.'

I read that thing on my way to another hotel where we would stay for the night. I'm back on my own tour schedule, after Tourbillon is in indefinite hiatus, because Ryuichi is also busy with his solo project.

It's been a long time since I met Jun. As usual, we met only in our rehearsal place and in our after-party, other than that he's busy taking care of his career and his wife. Of course. They must be on their way to get their child, like Shinya, Sugi and Ryu.

A child.

It's something that I can't give to Jun.

I could give him anything he wants. I could give him my body, my love, my life, everything. But I couldn't give him a new family.

Oh shit, why am I so melancholic today? I should change my mood now. I already made a promise to myself that I must go on, living my life as usual, and stop thinking about Jun. Just stop.

That would be easier if I didn't accidentally see the first greeting flowers that arrived in the place where I held my live.

It's from J. A sweet bouquet of lilies.

"Mr. Inoran, there's a message for you."

I received it and opens the small letter. 

'How are you now? Don't be so tense and just enjoy yourself. You must burn up the stage tonight!  

Good luck! From J'

I smiles. I thought he'll gonna say something more private in this letter.

Sigh. That part of me who's still wanting him to come back with me will never change.  

I'm saved by the fact that LUNA SEA is being revived again, so I have a valid reason to see him next to me again, otherwise who knows what's gonna happened with me. Maybe I already jump off or cut my wrist, or doing something stupid.

Now I really wonder what will happened if Sugi didn't stopped me that time. Will he canceled his marriage? Will he followed me and meet me in heaven? Or maybe he just don't care and continue his happy life with his wife?

I still hold Jun's letter as I arrived in the dressing room. Suddenly, my mind rewind the moments when I blame myself over and over again after I heard that Jun is getting married.

Alright, I have to stop thinking about that. My show will start in a few hours. I must prepare myself. But there's something that bothers my mind now. How did he know I'm going to hold a live in this city? Lately he doesn't seem to care about my schedule and as far as I can remember, he  never asked about it too. I put his letter on the desk and just realized that there's another small note inserted on the letter.

It's the schedule of his own live. I checks it and notice that he will also held his live in this city tomorrow. He's probably arrived in this city now.

I wonder now what's on his mind by sending me this. His live will be held on a differet venue but still not far from here. Did he wants me to visits him? For what?

I hold that small notes tightly in my hand. I want to believe that we still have another chance for our relationship. But he's already married now. I'm gonna be blamed as a marriage destroyer if someone found out about this.

I take a look at myself in the mirror. Jun already breaks my heart, made me feel like I want to kill myself. Am I already good enough for him? Good enough to accept his love once again? Or am I just being too naïve and didn't want to accept the reality in front of me?

"Inoran-san, it's time to do the checksound," the staff calls and bring me back to what I must do today. I take a deep sigh and follow the staff to the stage.

Not being able to go on without you is a sin I committed

If only you come to me, I can do anything

I told myself repeatedly to stay away from him. To just accept that we can only be friends right now.

Apparently, I'm out of my mind now. I stares at him who is now singing and playing his bass on stage. Looking so hot, like usual. He has the charm that makes people can't take their eyes away from him. He's born with it, ever since we're in school until now.

I still stand, staring at him, surrounded by the crowd of his fans. Some of it must be already notice me by now. But right now, I'm only focused my sight to him. When suddenly, he stares directly to the crowds where I stand. I feels like our eyes met for a while.

Maybe it's just coincidence. There's a lot of people here. And I'm being surrounded by other fans. I already position myself in the middle so he won't notice me.

But after that, he several times stares at the crowds where I stand, on the right side of the stage. Then, he takes a break for a while, and comes back with an acoustic guitar on stage. He once again stares at my side and smile before starting to play the guitar on stage.

Actually, this reminds me of our old school days, where I spent my time learnt to play guitar with him and the times where we sat for hours listening to the bands on my collection lists. Sometimes he scold me if I played it on the wrong tune and I teased him by calling him 'sensei'. I once even teased him by saying that he's like a mother to me.

Ah, how I miss those days when he's still taking care of me. Now everything seems so far away. And it won't come back like that ever again. Even if I said that I love him a hundred times, it won't change anything.

Then I just realize one thing. It's not because the fact about he broke my heart that made me felt like I want to do a suicide, it's the fact that I just can't go on without him that hurts me so much.

Yeah, I just can't think of how my life would be if I can't meet him again. What would my life be if I can't have him for myself. I'm just too addicted to him.

It can't be helped, right? I bet his wife won't let him go too. She won't be that stupid enough to let go someone as hot as him.

Oh God, why is this feeling so complicated? Or is it just me who's over-thinking about it?

I don't know how many times have passed now, when suddenly something hits my forehead. It's a mineral bottle, thrown by someone, apparently it's coming from the stage.  That makes some fans turn their gaze and notice me. I can hear some girls shout my name. Good, now everyone knows I'm here.

I glares at the stage, it must be because of him. Who else gonna throw that fuckin thing to the audience except him?! And yeah, he just grins at me. Haha, very funny, Jun. I should pay this back to you someday.

Later that night, I decided to get back to my hotel and preparing my stuff, as I will leave tomorrow and continue my tour. I repeatedly stares at my phone, hoping that maybe he will call me after he saw me on his live. I went out before he get the chance to invite me to his after-party and now I kinda regret it.

I wait patiently, just sitting here in my room, smoking, and stares at my phone like an idiot.

Time is ticking, but there's no call at all. Until finally I fell asleep, tired after all my activities, tired of waiting for his call. Then when I wake up in the morning, my neck stiff because I slept in a wrong position on the sofa, I check my phone and notice several missed calls arrived on my phone. A missed call from my brother, a missed call from my manager and a missed call from him.

I unconsciously smiles. Then trying to call him back. When he finally answer, my heart beats faster. Seems like he just wake up, I can recognize it from his lazy tone.

"Did I bother you?" I asks.

"No."

"Sorry, I was asleep last night. Is there something that you want to ask me........"

"Oh... I just call to say thanks for coming to my live. I thought you wouldn't come."

"Who said that I came to your live? Maybe you just saw someone who looks like me."

He laugh. And I really miss to hear his laughter like that. It makes me feels so intimate with him again.

"At least I know I didn't hit the wrong guy when I throw my bottle." He said.

Damn, now I don't have any more excuses!

"I.. I just happened to walk by, and I decided to watch your live for a while before I move out from here. Don't get it wrong, okay? It's merely coincidence."

He's still laughing. "You know, I can still remember your expression when I hit you..."

"Stop it, Junjun!" I pout, even though he can't see me right now.

"It's been a long time since you call me like that," he said.

Ah, right. I just notice that. Ever since I decided to not interfere with his own life, I stopped calling him Junjun again. And now here comes another awkward silence. I don't know what to say to him.

"Ino...."

"Yes?"

For a seconds, I can only hear his breath. Then he finally continues his words, "I really want to see you now."

That word is enough to makes me lose my words. I'm about to reply him when one of my staff reminds me that we should check-out soon.

"Can we go out together again?"

For me it sounds like a date. I would like to say yes, but I need time to think about it, "I have to go now, bye." And the call ends.

(continue to part 2)

Notes: since i made this fic too long and blogspot won't allow a too long post, i decided to split it into two part. please continue to PART 2